Depression 2
April 2024
In the last post i talked about my first experience with Depression.
What happened since then
I wrote the first article in January. I was sadly at the start of my second depressive phase there.
Compared to the first Depressive phase, this had some events which i think triggered or “supported” the worsing of the second phase.
On the one hand i lost my job at Bun in late November(i also created a blog post about that), which was very surprising and also took away a purpose, a thing i had to do. I lost that purpose unexpectedly without a connecting job, i’ve done a few small jobs since then but these where for the money more then for actual purpose.
Further in December/January i lost a extremely important online friendship which was crucial through the first phase. And further someone i met in the dayclinic, i became friends with over the 6 weeks i was there, started ghosting me entirely in october 2023, we had contact since then where they explained that their social network suffers and they have problems holding contact. But only sparely, it is not entirely ghosting anymore like at the start but its still basically radio silence.
These events together with the fact i had to borrow money from family and friends to cover taxes for 2022 created a deep feeling of helplessness, hopelessness. Which even with the Sertraline(zoloft) threw me entirely back into the severe depression and suicidal thoughts.
Whats stayed good since the last phase
The social phobia especially did not get nearly as bad as it was last year. I still have trouble with big crowds and strangers, but i do not have problems with friends and family. I’m still able to do things like get groceries and do the household, both of these where impossible last year.
I think that the therapy from last year and the antidepressant have helped maintaining those.
Further i have developed a interest in understanding depression, so ive done some research into the psychology and biology of depression and how it works. And some research on how antidepressants work.
Coping mechanisms
Iv’e managed to develop a few Skills over the last few months which help me survive and cope with depression. A skill is something you have or do to help in tense situations and to cope with bad thoughts in healthy ways.
Wasabi/Chilli
Sometimes if the suicide thoughts get really bad i land in something i call a tense-state. This is a state where the suicide thoughts are screaming so loud that they almost entirely disable the rational brain. Using a keyboard, talking and other tasks become extremely taxing if not impossible. Further the tense term comes from the fact that in these phases often my body phsyically tenses. I physically tense in the presence of the extremely bad suicide thoughts. Those phases last 15-20 minutes and end after that naturally, but often thats a very long time in that state. What can end that state is a extreme physical sensation like eating something extremely hot. Its purpose is to be so extreme that it forces a interruption in that bad thoughts cycle, reactivating the rational brain. It has worked the times i managed to get to chilli or wasabi.
Photography
This is the most important skill i have, unlike the wasabi/chilli which is for a specific bad state, this is a longer term self therapy not bound to a specific state. I do a lot of photography since mid february, mostly street photography and animals, i have a instagram.
While i am photographing i’m occupied, im in the moment paying a lot of attention to my surroundings looking for compositions. Doing that helps extremely in stopping rumination, rumination is often the entry door to more bad thoughts and then a tense-state in the worst case. Having something like photography to stop that is super valuable. I Photograph about 3-4 hours a day.
Diary
I’ve been writing diary digitally for a while now. Most of my writing is thought dumping but it’s very helpful processing emotions, thoughts and feelings. Although i do not write that every day. But i also have a “depression diary” which is more structured then just blank space, it asks you a few things with multiple choice rather then only free text, i do that every day, it helps tracking mood over time.
Structure
My dad has a australian shepard which i know since i spend time living with him and got to see the doggo grow up. In february and right now, besides photography i got the dog to live at my home. The fact he has to be walked 3 times a day, is a living being and someone to cuddle, but especially the structure does help me not let the bad thoughts get too bad since he gives me purpose.
Timeline Since(Triggerwarning: Suicide)
I cought covid 19 for the second time during the later half of February, which is also when i gave back the dog to my dad. Shortly before start of march i contacted my best friend to come to me during the first weekend of march because i was in a really bad state, i was aware of how bad the thoughts where, even without the tense-states. The constant cycling in suicide thoughts.
It turned out this was a life saving decision probably, because on the night of the 3rd to 4th March i attempted suicide. I survived it because my best friend was there and called EMS.
The next 14 hours where spend on the ICU recovering, after that i talked with a psychatrist, we agreed that i would stay in the hospital in the Psych ward, but ended up not doing that due to the experience i made with the receiving nurse, which made me feel even more unsecure, ontop of being very insecure anyways. It shows again how important kind nurses are in such wards.
With my best friend i decided that after they drive back home i will stay at my mums place to not be alone since that was too dangerous. She received me very welcoming and supportive. I was not extremely suicidal after the attempt but it wasn’t gone. I spend most of march doing photography and talking a lot with my mum. It was a good support but did not heal the thoughts, towards the end of march it became obvious that even though i had a therapist by that point. We agreed that it was not enough.
So again with the help of my mum and a friend i was taking into a Psych ward in a Hospital and stayed there for a week. I learned more things about myself there, especially that a lot of my issues resolve around helplessness. Further that it is okay to have bad thoughts, just that i had and have unhealthy ways of coping with them. Also i was reassured that photography is a good skill, i also started writing diary since i was admitted there.
After the stay in the hospital i was free of all the suicide thoughts and tense-states, which was extremely relaxing. They have also not returned extremely since, but sadly i still have issues with self harm and passive suicide thoughts.
On friday last week i went to the day clinic i was the last year and let me put on the waitlist. I was told(as i expected) to have a waiting time of 4-6 months. But that was not the case, because later the same day i was called that i can start on the 11th april, which is the thursday after tomorrow. That made me extremely thankful because i did not expect it to go that fast, which goes without saying that i need the help. Even though the suicide thoughts are not present right now they can return and so getting intensive help again is crucial for me.
Antidepressants
The antidepressant i take was bumped to 150mg a day 3 weeks ago, but i’m attempting to switch antidepressants during this day clinic stay, because i do not think the sertraline(Zoloft) actually helps me, besides making me sweat a lot and i mean a lot. It’s a bit exhausting to know the medication does not help currently but there are enough other antidepressants and i only tried sertaline until now.
Future
My future isn’t set, i do not have a set plan for after the day clinic, maybe because i’m at a very early state of the 8 weeks, maybe because depression has disconnected me from a imagination/idea of my future, why exactly i dont know. But i’m very glad to be distanced enough from acute suicidal thoughts and stable enough to parttake in the entire program of the clinic and also pursue my hobby of photography. It’s still to early for me to think about a job after clinic of long term future, yet at least.
Thats it for now…as always thanks for reading!